going for it

well, it's happening and we're going for it. i am officially back at school, having my first full work week, and bringing eliana up to her grandparents every morning. our week has been full and fast. i feel like when you have a baby, you learn to be incredibly efficient. you have a small window when the baby is sleeping and subsequently doesn't need you. you move quickly through all the tasks that need to be done (not necessarily doing them as well as you used to). that is how this post is for me right now. eliana is still sleeping and it's 9:27 am. my plan was to have her in the car to go up to the folks house by 9:30. that clearly won't be happening because i hate to wake my little sunshine. she's been having funky sleeps lately and waking up during the night (which she hasn't done since she was about eight weeks old). my theory is that she is getting used to all the changes and that some of her teeny incisors are coming in. she is super slobbery and smacking her little grandma gum's around more often. we go to see the pediatrician today and she can check out her little mouth for me (miss thang will not let her mama's hand near the inside of her mouth).

all this said, this week hasn't been bad, it's just been different. i have this theory that teachers have two speeds of life. speed one is the summer - lazy, slow, and full of adventures. then there is the school year and suddenly everything speeds up and one day runs into the next and you always feel like you're running behind yourself waiting to catch up. and suddenly it's the week before thanksgiving and you don't know what happened to the fall. teaching is fast paced, it's dynamic and unpredictable. it takes a totally different internal energy. so the shift from nursing mama, slow style, taking it all in and savoring every moment to making copies, racing up stairs, being energized and witty and organized, is pretty intense.

but then there's the moment when i finish work and get to head up the hill to pick up e. as you come over the hill towards my in-laws place there is this stunning view of the rattlesnake mountains, which are now dotted in a soft, white snow. yesterday the blue, winter sky fused with those grey and green peaks and i smiled and took a deep breath, taking in the view, knowing that in less than a minute i would be back with my girl. and then she sees me and is back in my arms again and the rest of the day kind of melts away, my heart rate slows, and i enter back into the dreamy existence that is me and eliana.

play date

eliana had her first play date yesterday. while she has tons of little baby friends, they don't exactly interact much at this point. but yesterday she was with her "big girl" friend, baby aluna, who is a whopping nine months old. baby aluna loved eliana's room and played with her wooden trains and funky blocks that elie has yet to glance at. then penelope and i put them both in eliana's crib. elie was focusing intently on aluna's little face, trying so hard to hold herself upright so she could be a big girl too. aluna was just into eliana's loot - the snazzy rattles and stuffed toys, ragdolls and fancy baby balls. the whole thing was pretty darn cute though. i adore the land of the little people.

love house

Jeffy and Baby E are in the middle of an intense love affair...
What would a Missoula baby be without a Patagucci to lounge through winter in?
Who thinks I resemble my mama?

well i am happy to report that there is no school today. daddy woke up at the crack of dawn to go hunting - this year it's more important than ever to provide a large ungulate for the family! he's so cute...he cooked himself a victory breakfast of deer tenderloin at about five this morning. this is the same guy who can't make himself a piece of toast on a workday; i guess if hunting is involved, the drive to eat comes from a different place. elie is sitting in her swing, finally content after a fussy twenty minutes or so. we have a typical love deay planned: walk with one mama and her baby first, then lunch with another mama and her baby next, lastly walk with another couple mamas and their babies after that. big note! thank god i did so well in seventh grade typing class because i can stare at my baby makd her think i'm not doing anything else while my fingers secretly type away. i don't really have any big news today, just that i am trying to appreciate every minute with my baby and not get too bogged down by the impending work week. i spent a lot of time with elie strapped to my chest at work yesterday, making copies, revising lesson plans, generaly getting my head back in the game. i love bringing her to work. i swear i can concentrate better when i know she's with me and in a blissed out slumber.

i think first mama and baby have arried judging by lucy's annoying barking at the window. more later.

energies

so, just re-reading yesterdays post, so sweet and optimistic but not really the tone for today. today i'm exhausted. the energy of the elementary school - the kids, the bells, the messy desks and disheveled nature inherent in this age of child - it's a little much for the nursing mama. i'm grooving on the quiet creak of the rocker, the mellow, folky chick tunes of our teeny, pink nursery radio, the soft sound of sucking, hiccups, coos. racing home at lunch to nurse eliana and then running back up the street to complete my...gulp...lunchroom duty, sort of put me over the edge. rushing her through her feeding, hurling her at her grandma while snarfing an apple and putting my coat on as i rushed out the door, the cool fall air hitting my cheeks reminding me that yes, indeed, the time is now, you are no longer in timeless wonderland but this is it, money making, job land, land that keeps the mortgage paid and organic fruit in the fridge, keeps the house warm and gas in the car - no avoiding this land, no more long days with mamas in the tribe, everyone eating and nursing and gabbing, rocking and laughing and being in that same, honest and ultra real universe, not so much anymore, not right now.

the acoustics in the gym are awful and entering that cacophonous room full of chomping children was a bit much. immediately i was sticking my thumb nail into oranges to help peel, twisting the too tight lids off of thermoses, passing out bathroom passes and telling kids to put their trash in the bin. it was like walking into my past. walking into a scene that has felt so familiar and second nature for years. now it suddenly felt like i just didn't fit. like i was watching my own, surreal dream. my shirt was wet with milk and i nonchalantly tried to adjust the pad in my bra. i was almost happy for that reminder of what now feels like my real life. i realized that no one knew that this was strange for me, that i was a normal, familiar player in that scene for the other folks in the room. the have not had an interruption in their continuum. i am their teacher. i belong and have not been changed.

i continued my roll play - lined the kids up quietly, made sure they walked single file, and as we headed up the stairs, wiped my eyes with my sleeve, took a deep breath, and entered the classroom.

back to work

so it's my second day back at work and i seem to be doing okay. the movement from breastfeeding and stinky, milky tee-shirts to my pseudo, missoula style professional garb is kinda tricky, especially this morning when baby e was asleep in my arms still at 9:45 and i didn't have the heart to wake her. mind you, i have to be at work at 10:00 and i still wasn't dressed. she was sleeping so peacefully, face planted against my breast, breathing heavily, just completely nuzzled into me - how could i wake her? finally i realized it was time, lay her gently in her crib, grabbed my brush (thank god for the ponytail) and quickly threw some clothes together. at about 9:52 I nursed her one last time, trying to get her to eat enough so that she wouldn't have to battle the bottle (which she still isn't into). of course, she's recently developed another absolutely lovely and adorable trait which came up in this very tenuous moment, the "smile and nurse." the smile and nurse involves eliana frequently looking up to me with her big, glorious, bright blue eyes and smiling. sometimes she even giggles. we stare at each other and smile and nursing takes a backseat until all the smiles are satisfied. what a horrible moment to have to rush through. the only solace i have is that she presents me with many such lovely moments every day. though, even as i write that, it still isn't solace enough to justify having to break out of that sweetness to satisfy a schedule. but i managed to pass her to nana in time to slip on my clogs, run out the door, and be there in time to pick the kids up from morning recess.

i felt more of my teacher vibe this second day. i brought a beautiful story to share with the class (Miss Rumphius...check it out, gorgeous children's book). it was a book given to me for elie before she was born, and i re-read it again last night when we were having our quiet, marathon nursing time together. it tells the story of a woman who appreciates all the beauty in life. she travels the world and climbs mountains, meets interesting people and makes connections. when she's an old lady, she decides to scatter lupine seeds wherever she walks as a way to bring a little bit more beauty into the world. sharing this book with my class seemed to be a way to bridge my life at home with eliana as a mama to my life at school as a teacher. i was bringing what i believe to be true into the classroom (while still managing to teach about paragraph formation and proper sentence formation).

eliana was a peach for her grandparents and seems to be transitioning as well. we still enjoy afternoon hikes, just the two of us, up the mountain behind the house. the fall days have been glorious - bright blue skies and crisp, cool air. if anything, those four hours away from her make me revel in our time together even more. i listen to the way her breathing changes as we move uphill. the way she settles into the deep, heavy breaths of real sleep. the way her eyelids gently flutter when she wakes. the smile that spreads across her little face when she realizes where she is - attached securely to her mama, walking gracefully through another blissful day.

dia de los muertos

mama got her groove on at the dia de los mertos celebration on friday night. missoula is a festival town. we love revalry and any excuse to dress up, get nuts and disfruta la vida! the day of the dead is one of missoulas best, replete with a wacky parade, lots of live music and dancing. when my friend celeste asked me to perform, i initially declined. the pieces we were going to perform she and i choreographed last fall, pre-preggars, and when i was in tip top shape. i was feeling ripped and diva-like back then, not the sleep schedule obsessed, soft bellied, super serious mama i am today. luckily i was in cali at the time i was contemplating the descision. my uber dancing sister said something to me like, "don't you want eliana to have that cool mom? that mom who dances?" anf for her alone, i did it. i do want to be that mom. i want to be beautiful and soulful, creative and atheletic, charismatic and alarming.

while i wasn't too nervous about remembering my moves, i was wondering if my mommy body would cooperate. half an hour before the show, i was squirting breast milk all over celeste's studio, frantically trying to make eliana's little belly replete and satisfied before the performance while celeste slapped thick, festive make-up on my face. i was worried i would freak elie out, but she seemed to be enjoying the pre-show chaos, even as the red and gold glitter from my eyes and costume rubbed off on her precious skin. i thought about circus families, babies who are born to perform and felt an excited rush for this new moment we were sharing together.

as i waited in the wings, i could see jeff jiggling eliana in the back of the tiny theatre. it was time for my first number the piece starts with me alone, on my knees, center stage. the dance pays honor to yemenja, the brazilian orixa of the oceans, the mother of all orixas, and the absolute most reverant woman figure in my funky, spiritual life. i was feeling it. i felt beautiful and strong and radiant. as i stood to prepare for my first move, i felt the rush of the performance moving through me, i felt strong and compelling and powerful. i kicked my leg high and rotated towards the back, throwing my weight to the right for my preparation when, thud, i landed on the floor. holy shit. i hit the deck. down. fallen. for a second i wasn't sure if i was okay. maybe someone was about to rush to help me and i had sprained something. i didn't really know. i say celeste turn to help me up and within another second, i was back up, right back at my place in the music, giving the dance my all. so perhaps i slipped on the stupid carpet we were performing on. perhaps my muscles aren't what they used to be. or, perhaps i was distracted by my baby bucket in the back, not focusing on the moment but instead on the grander relevance of my time on the tiny stage. whatever it was, it passed. i danced my groovy little heart out that night and still took my bow with pride. you've gotta fall when you give it your all. and little eliana will have an honest, real, tough mama to model for her the way to get back in the game with a smile, not letting too much ego bring you down.

the end of an era...making peace with transition

these week has been a tough one for a variety of reasons, but they seem to all come back to the same difficulty - transition. i am transitioning to being away from eliana and it's one of the hardest things i've ever done. for three and a half months i have been able to be her everything. we've done exceptionally well together, bonding from the start. she is everything i could have ever dreamed for in a baby and our relationship is so harmonious and in sync. absolutely textbook (we really do have the perfect "dr.sears" attachment thang down). and here we are at this inevitable crossroads. i have to return to work. before having her, i never entertained the idea of not returning to work. not only is it not feasable financially, it was never something that i thought really interested me. i've been working full time since the day i graduated college. i love my job, love being out in the world, being a professional woman, making my little mark for the greater good. but then i had a baby. and i found myself in this wonderworld of sleeping and nursing and walking. of cooing and burping and gently sweeping spit of a perfect, little chin. of moving slowly and carefully. of always being fully engaged and focused. of observing more closely than ever before. of my heart, ready to burst, replete and full at all times. of long gazes in each others eyes, of smiling back and forth and back again, snuggling in bed, feeling our chests rise and fall together as we walk through the hills and trees, taking it all in together.

but on monday, those days will take a new shape. eliana is out of her third trimester. she has entered a new phase. she is ready to roll and reach and make connections. she is ready to understand cause and effect. she has the security and attachment and trust in the world that she needs to have new successes. and i have to embrace my pre-mom self and let her go. for the past few days, just thinking about having to leave her could bring tears to my eyes. i couldn't focus on anything but this impending change. i may sound dramatic, but it really has taken hold of me in this very powerful way. two nights ago i literally was up all night watching her, trying to make peace in my brain, but never being able to fully leave my head and enter the world of sleep. it was a terrible, powerful night for me. as i watched the hours pass, finally greeting six and then seven when jeff's alarm went off, i attempted to work through all the different parts of this internal struggle. the positive side of me realizes that this is an opportunity for growth for both of us. that i can embrace more parts of myself and bring a more loving, more replete, more grounded self into the classroom and that eliana can gain independence through creating a beautiful, loving relationship with her grandparents. and, of course, how tremendously grateful am i that i don't have to bring her to a stranger, that she is only going to be a few miles up the road in the loving and attentive arms of jeff's folks? but it is all so layered and intense and strong. as i watch her stir from sleep on our bed right now, i try to commit this moment to memory, her little bundled self squirming, her legs flapping up and down like the fin on some water mammal, her head moving back and forth on the soft green blanket beneath her. in a few moments her eyes will open and i will be there to welcome her to this new day. and i turn in my gratitude card, that i have this moment with her, that i will still be here each morning when she wakes, that i will continue to have many such precious moments with my girl.