grown-up

my life has been so full, so busy, so much the past few days. we adventured home (not as easy as the first run ten days prior), but how i can i predict anything? every day my little girl grows and changes. the house is asleep and i am too tired to recall anything with too much detail. this is what i know. i am officially a grown-up. i am incredibly vulnerable. i have never felt such intense love for anything or anyone; nothing like what i feel for my daughter. life is big and scary and tremendous and full and beautiful. every moment is brilliant and shining and so very real. i feel blessed and overwhelmed and absolutely here.

heading home

tomorrow morning eliana and i brave the big bad world of travel, once again. i'm feeling way less anxious about the whole thing. that's how it seems to be in my new world with the little one. i freak out before the first time i try anything new with her and by the second go around, i'm way more confident and at ease. while we are both incredibly excited to get home and see dad, we'll miss our sunny times at gran's pad. i think we'll be most nostalgic for the mornings. eliana wakes and needs to eat around seven a.m. after that first feed, she is all smiles and charm, so thrilled to meet a new day and take in the sights and sounds of la vida. it's then that gran comes in and brings me breakfast (her famous "scrambly screw") and then hangs with the two of us on the bed. eliana gurgles and giggles, flashes her sultry dimples and bats her ever-so-lengthy lashes. watching my mom share these moments of brilliance with the little one always makes it all feel worthwhile. it's bittersweet to be returning, to know the loss that my mom will feel when she wakes on monday to an empty house. at the same time, i know that she is happy for our little life in the mountains and sees that, somewhere along the line, that became our home.

Strangers, Babies and Mama Blogs

Why do babies break all social barriers? While I do miss strangers meeting my gaze and smiling at me on the street (even with baby who attracts way more smiles and glances then I ever did alone, it averages only about 1 in 6 smiles whereas in Missoula it's pretty much a sure thing...yes, I've been counting...I've been walking an awful lot with a sleeping baby, what else am I going to think about?), I don't exactly need them to invade our personal space(s). Today while once again walking the busy, So. Cal streets with Eliana and my amiga, Hollace, we were greeted by an intriguing stranger. A woman stepped off the bus. In her late 50's early 60's, she sported jet black, curly hair (wig perhaps?), tons of necklaces, a leopard print top with some sort of strange, crocheted turtleneck (it was hot as hell out), a crazy amount of smeary make-up, and really gnarly teeth. She had a very heavy accent (we decided she was Armenian) and immediately started in. She reached towards Eliana's bald head (I had just removed her Samuel L. Jackson hat because I was afraid she was hot...bad timing). She asked me how long I planned on breast feeding and then launched into this whole thing about how people shouldn't have babies if they aren't going to breastfeed. I couldn't really follow her logic (duh) but realized she was harmless. She then talked about some other baby she ran into the other day who was super alert and independent because he was breastfed. She also said a lot of other things that I can recap in a way that will do the exchange any justice. Suffice to say that her head (and, may I remind you, atrocious teeth) were mere inches from my daughter as she continued on and on about all she knew about babies and breastfeeding and, really, how I'm doing as a mom. I'm glad she has me all figured out! It made for a fun moment, the only real negative of the whole thing being that I didn't have my camera to capture this extraordinary woman. Note to nursing brain...always carry camera (what kind of lameo blogger am I anyway?).

Which brings me to my next topic. Mommy blogs. So I won't get too into it, but, as I've mentioned throughout this blogolicious journey, I'm not really a computer gal. I honestly had only seen one blog before I set this one up. The whole thing was a way for me to teach myself how to do something on the computer and not be so reliant on my husband to be the technology whiz (he wears way too many other whiz hats in the house...I kinda needed to take back the night on my ability to figure things out on my own). So blah, blah, I have the blog, I like to write, I send my ramblings out to the universe and it's all fine.

Until I go to the blogs of real mommy bloggers. These ladies always use capitals (did anyone notice who is pressing her shift key tonight?) They only post cool, artistic photos. They have crazy little sections all over the screen and know how to send people to other web sites and blogs. They are funny and witty and smart and cool. I kind of hate these mommies and their precious, snazzy, little baby blogs.

I stayed up til 1:30 in the morning reading and feeling like I could never post again due to how inept and amateurish my little site is. But then today on my morning walk, I worked through it. This is not for cyberland. I don't care if I'm not getting paid and "Boppy" doesn't have corporate sponsorship and ridiculous little pop-up ads appearing on my page (but can you image how cool it would be to get paid to baby blog?). I'm doing this mainly for myself, lots for Eliana, and then also lots for our friends and family who can't share in our daily adventures. So there. I'm sure I'll continue to sneak time reading the other mommy blogs and be greeted with those same feelings of envy all over again. But really, like anything, it's a simple joy in a crazy world and we just have to do all we can to keep it real, and keep it our own.

attitude adjustment

cousin cameron shows off his beauteous baby niece...

mama reunites with her high school bff, alison


and uncle kent and eliana have some serious quality time













jeff and i enjoy the phrase "it's a new day!" i woke up this morning with those words in my head and decided to adjust my attitude towards my time here in los angeles. so many people i love are here and they all want to share in the joy and magnetism that is eliana. so with that in mind, we embraced our new day. it got off to a splendid start. elie and i had the sweetest morning. she usually wakes around seven, nurses for twenty minutes or so, and then is awake for about an hour before feeling sleepy again. but sometimes, we are able to extend that lovely, long evening slumber into a luxurious morning nap. that was this morning. after her morning nurse, she fell back to sleep in my arms. i gently slid down my stack of pillows and got myself comfortable with her pressed into my side. we then fell to sleep together for another hour or so. it's extra specially lovely because eliana doesn't sleep in my arms anymore. she's a big, independent thing who digs on sleeping sola in her special little bucket. to feel her little cheek so close to mine was enough to make anyone's day super.

she delighted in meeting another five cousins this evening. that makes nine cousins that she has met since being here! it's pretty darn cool to have such a big family. and there are still six more cousins that she has yet to meet. perhaps when we return for the holidays. luckily, dad will be with us then, and our little family unit will be wholly intact.

climate control

eliana continues to enjoy her southern california stay all the while fires rage through the southland, the late october temperatures reached 98 degrees today here in pasadena, and everything feels a little eerie and armageddon like to mommy. it's interesting. some habits, some rituals, were clearly established through our life in montana. take the whole, walking the baby to sleep thing. i love walking where i live. there's wildlife. and weather patterns. it's always changing. bringing baby on a walk is a way for mommy to ensure that she enjoys her walk. today i was faced with a bit of the opposite. baby was so badly needing to nap and just wouldn't have staying inside - again. so mommy begrudgingly loaded baby up multiple times to walk the busy, busy intersections of south lake and california boulevard. we inhaled the exhaust. we dodged the sprinklers. we tried to smile at people and waited for them to smile back. i felt the ache in my back from eliana's new, heavier self. "why the hell are we walking again?" mommy wondered. "oh right...i did this to myself!"

but really, i had to work through a lot of anxiety this afternoon. when i left southern california five years ago, i left lots of phobias as well. trafficphobia. earthquakephobia. life is chaotic and out of controlphobia. all of those seem to be resurfacing as i return with my very precious, very helpless, very pure, very porcelain three month old daughter. yet she remains the same. she loves to nurse. she loves to walk. she sleeps well at night. she laughs at my songs. her sweet, climate controlled southern california existence is all roses because mom knows how to play by her rules. as i try to fall to sleep on my own tonight, i think i'll try to employ some of that bliss and trust in all that is good and true. hopefully i can sleep as well as she does.

getting around

Baby Eliana is meeting so many people that love her.
Auntie Alison, Cousin Cameron and little bright eyes.
Baby Eliana enjoys her Auntie Wendy.





Here she is with her special friend, Hollace.

Eliana loves her cousin Daniella and Uncle Mark.




eliana and her mama are learning some new things about getting around the big city. you have to understand that while i love living in montana, i was not always a country bumpkin. i used to love life in the city. i love the diversity. i love the restaurants. i love the different neighborhoods. and i spent an awful lot of the first 28 years of my life navigating los angeles area freeways, moving from one adventure to the next. i wouldn't even want to know, even if it was somehow quantifiable, how much time i've logged sitting stuck in traffic. my city ways have quickly shifted since having a child. eliana doesn't spend a ton of time in her carseat at home, but when she does, it isn't usually a problem (unless it's dark an we are turning the corner of Lolo Ave and Wylie coming down from Jeff's folks place...she hates that corner). anyway. during the pats few days, eliana has experienced a new kind of traffic. she's also experienced lots of long traffic signals, or multiple turns waiting through the same light because too many cars are in front of us and we just simply can't get through. and i don't know if it's because she picks up on my negative energy, on my complete frustration and lack of cool in this traffic, but she's started to sort of loose it when we are in these situations. i honestly don't know how i handled it for so long. did i just not know any different? has it gotten that much worse since i've been here? when did i so clearly lose my edge? so there we were driving back from my sister's house about an hour away on the ever so hideous 5 freeway. it was sunday evening. and the freeway was packed. aren't people supposed to be at home with their families eating a roast or something? where was everyone going? the freeway was stop and go, inconsistent, unrelenting, crowded. eliana was over it. she was crying and fussy and i was back there trying to get her to cool it. then i remembered a road trip trick that some of my gal pals back in the country told me about. the sketchy "lean and nurse" where you sort of hoist your breast into the carseat and nurse your baby while your partner tries not to have an accident in which you would not be restrained at all. the lean and nurse is tricky. it's scary. but damnnit, homegirl went straight to sleep after about five minutes. so we were back in buisness. but i have noticed that eliana can sense when the car stops moving, or changes speed (hence the reason why traffic is such a trouble area for us). so then we slowed down because, wouldn't you believe it, southern california is in a declared "state of emergency" due to tremendous fires. and one of those fires just happened to be burning out the window on the freeway. so all of the sudden things get super futuristic and eerie and all the cars are staring at this greyish blackish, tremendous thick smoke coming at us from the mountains to the east. and the sky is still and brown and yet all the bright neon signs along the freeway still blink and glare and everything is really creeping me out and i can't imagine, for a few moments, how anyone can live here and i see the concrete walls around the houses that are right by the freeway and the chain link and the box stores but really they are all over this country and when did we get so overpopulated and so prone to natural disasters and why does it sometimes feel so horrifying to be bringing a child into this future..... but i digress. we made it through the smoke and finally exited about fifteen miles from my mom's house. that's when elie decided she had simply had enough. she really started to go for it. like wailing and crying real tears and showing her gummy little mouth and heaving in between sobs. we both picked up some little cold bug, so in the midst of these gut wrenching cries, her little chest was emitting this rattly, congested sound. everything felt terribly wrong. those last ten minutes of the drive were painful. i didn't know what to do. all i wanted to do was take her out of her carseat and hold her, but that would just make the drive longer, postponing the inevitable return of crying in her carseat. part of me was ready to drive to the e.r. and find out was was wrong with her, when really i know, she was just totally over being in her carseat. she was hungry and tired and had a cold. and she's a teeny, tiny, helpless baby. that was it. so my mom and i white knuckled it through the drive, me speeding like a maniac through all the stupid traffic lights, my mom in the back with her trying, bless her heart, to calm her down. eliana would not have it. but the minute i had her back in my arms in the garage of my mom's building, she started to settle. she breathed a few very deep, shaky, congested breaths, and settled in my arms. we then moved into a three hour (no joke) marathon nurse n' soothe. she nursed and soothed herself until finally i was able to put her in her little bucket and fall to sleep by her side.

sunny cali

Auntie Hilary loves her niece Eliana. Eliana loves her beautiful Auntie Hilary (enough to even behave during her dance performanc!)

we continue to have excellent adventures here in mama's home town. and eliana proved, once again, that she is indeed the most stupendous baby on the planet. we had a busy day planned. the kind of day that makes mama a bit anxious, because at any moment, the day could turn upside down, potentially, perhaps, disastrous. we even had a matinee at the theatre involved - like the real, los angeles style theatre where people are very serious and despise noisy, fussy babies. but i'll get there in a moment...

we started with a superb breakfast at mommy's old friend' the vaughns. eliana was charming and sweet, and then dutifully passed out in her sling after a few walks up and down the palm tree lined street. mom was amazed at how big the houses are (they seem to get bigger the longer i'm in montana), amazed at the limes and persimmons growing on trees, the wisteria ever blooming, the sun, ever shining. after sweet sauce woke up, we moved on to trader joes where gran needed to pick up some wine. rockstar was hungry, so mama dutifully fed her in the back of gran's car in the blistering heat of the ginormous parking structure. then it was on to....the theatre. i was worried. the theatre was small, intimate, the exact worst place for a crying baby. i was so happy to see my old, beloved high school theatre friend hollace in the lobby. her beauteous smile made me relax, but not enough to fully focus and move on from my worries about baby's time in the theatre. so first i fed eliana discreetly in the lobby, hoping to help her pass out. to no avail. then i put elie in her pouch and started to bounce, sway and pace in the back of the theatre, hoping, again, to put her to sleep. again, no luck. so i decided to sit in my seat, settle in, relax, and nurse her there. superstar! the little lady nursed through the whole show, coming to just in time for the finale, which she stared at bright eyed and alert, loving every moment of her auntie's glorious choreography. hurrah.

then it was on to auntie hilary's house for a post show party. eliana loved meeting her new friends. she met another cousin, the gorgeous daniella, my brother mark's five year old daughter. she also met her "cousin" emelyn, azure and jason's two year old. the little people loved each other and continued to gravitate towards each other as the evening wore on. how proud i was to pass eliana around. so proud of her smiles and relaxed attitude. she did so well, even tempered even in the car ride home (the car seat has not been her favorite thing here in the big city...). princess perfect then dutifully fell asleep after a long, fulfilling day, and slept, yet again, through the night.