Friday, September 25, 2009

back at it

I look at that last dreamy, August post. We were so mellow then. So together. Didn't pay attention to clocks or bells or calendars. But September is almost over. And we've changed the game.

September rocks my world every year. This year it seemed more challenging than most. Lots of unexpected, big events, a packed schedule, visitors and birthdays and concerts and plans. Of course, all those things are good things. The challenge is just having the energy to enjoy them all. Because still, even with the work and motion, Eliana is the top of my to-do list. To enjoy. To behold. To marvel. To laugh. And somedays, it just doesn't feel like we get the time together that we deserve.

Today she broke down when I went to work, and I imagined myself leaving the babysitter and mac and cheese in the kitchen, and whisking her away with me. She'd just hang while I taught the class about haiku and imagery, would just calmly color in the corner, and I wouldn't have to make any choices or feel any guilt. That, of course, is not how it went. I crumbled and put Barney in for her, knowing that her familiar purple friend would ease the pain of our separation. Cuz I feel it too. By Friday we are both done. It's been too many in's and outs, too many drop-offs and pick-ups. We're ready to hunker down, stay in our cozies, and just be.

Thank goodness we have the weekend together.

The challenge for me is what to give up. I love my job during the day. I love my job at night. I love my husband and friends and social life. But my chicken needs me and I want to be here for her. And then there's all the other things. The dishes and crumbs and laundry and maintenance of day to day. That's the part that ends up really wearing me in. Because I have a precious hour with my peach and instead of reading books with her or playing legos, I'm frantically washing the same coffee mug that, I swear, I washed that morning. And her sippy cup smells like yucky old milk again. And there are crumbs on the counter. And as much as I don't want to care about it all, the mere existence of mess seems to be adding to my exhaustion.

Gosh it feels good to get all that angst down. I missed this ol' bloggy buddy. But I've been too overwhelmed and exhausted for extra articulation lately. Maybe I'm accepting my new groove and ready to plunge ahead. I haven't even taken a picture of my child since the last post. How pathetic is that. We've just been too busy being in the thick of it all. Now it's time to embrace the chaos and figure out how to move through it with grace.