happy sad

So Eliana has created a number of hilarious alter-egos for herself, but the most prevalent right now is Happy Sad. Happy Sad expresses her emotions outright, often vacillating fairly quickly from - you guessed it - happy to sad, joyously declaring I'm Happy! when things are swell or, I'm just a little sad, when things are dicey. Happy Sad is a mama figure. She sings Baby Beluga relentlessly to all the babies in the house and tells us to Shhh! Stop talking, I'm rocking my babies. She constructs slings out of my bras an bikini tops so she can easily manipulate her brood. Sometimes, Happy Sad even nurses.

Today I picked Happy Sad up from her babysitter. We decided to stop for a cookie and milk on the way home. After we were situated at the table, HS inquired, So? How was my day?

I adore Happy Sad. I adore her sense of humor and her ability to create the most magnificent worlds. I adore her little elfin face and insane memory. As wildly busy as our January has become, the vibrant presence of little Happy Sad makes every day absolutely shine.

Which brings me to the act of being wildly busy while simultaneously growing a little man. I feel like I need to write more about being pregnant. I keep waiting for it to be more declarative on my radar. But something about Happy Sad takes some of the self-centered sheen out of this pregnancy.

Last week a friend brought me some of her old prego books that were on the way to the Goodwill. I had already given all my reading material away. I who read every single book out there the first time, waited with baited breath for each new update from Babycenter.com, lived for pre-natal yoga. After reading up on my second trimester, I kinda freaked out. I feel like I've been such a prego-slacker this time around! I quickly made a massage appointment for myself and emailed a fellow prego amiga for a hiking date.

It's just so different now. This little guy is coming into a family. A real, live, been at it for a couple of years, too legit to quit, family. Jeff and I are stronger than ever. I have proven to be pretty darn capable. My child is tremendous. The love in this house pulses and glows, even with the ice slicked sidewalks, the long, harried days and messy counters.

I feel like I need to make some very self-centered, very focused plans for myself for these next few months. I booked a ticket to go to LA for my girlfriend's wedding without Eliana thinking it would be such a blast to have that sort of freedom. To be able to read trashy magazines in the airport again and travel without someone climbing all over me and playing incessantly with the drink tray. I thought about going with my girlfriend and sister to get cheap pedicures, being able to actually enjoy a long, leisurely meal with my mom. And I am psyched to be going. But it feels so hard to leave Happy right now. I feel like our time as a threesome is so precious and so fleeting. All I want to do on the weekends is hold her, play tea party with tutus on our heads, read books and make pancakes. It's like I re-gained my sense of self around the time she stopped nursing and now, a year or so later, I want us to be completely intertwined again.

But homegirl's moving on. As much as she loves being with me, she also loves being at daycare, being with her buddies, being independent. She is full of joy and wonder and the world is just one giant exploration for silly Happy Sad.

I keep trying to be mindful of taking in the moments. Today at our tutu tea party she was so insanely hysterical, so beautiful with that yellow halo flying from her head. I didn't want to stop the moment to find my camera so I took a mental snapshot. I vowed to start writing more, even if I don't have pictures, even if there isn't much of a through-line.

We can't stop time. I'm reminded each week when I teach yoga and see myself in that huge mirror again, the side angle from Warrior II showing an even larger belly, almost laughable as I try to inspire people to flow through their poses. I'm reminded when Els walks through the hallways at school, completely content in that environment, so ready to be a little pupil. I'm reminded when I think about Happy Sad, that funny little person who is such a part of our day today, but who will be replaced by many other, equally creative and sincere manifestations of one very strong self as the days move on.