babies

Babies are all the rage in our house these days. After ten or so months of not nursing, Eliana now gives her babies, "A little nurse," bringing them up to her chest, patting them on the back and then asking, "That better?" Um...I have this odd hunch that she's picked up on some of my hormonal changes and perhaps is reminiscing about the good ol' days. When they're not busy nursing, Eliana just loves taking care of her babies. She changes their diapers, sings to them, pushes them in the stroller, and sways them back and forth when they cry (her little hips moving just as a daughter of mine's should).

We had a lovely weekend with my mama in from Cali. It snowed (!) on Thursday night, so we had lots of cozy, quiet adventures in the home with the babes. Baby still takes first place, but Josephine (aka, "Josameen") and Mary are steady in holding up the rear. I'm so thankful that she enjoys this kind of play because I often wonder what we would do otherwise when stuck in our little house for days on end. Books are great, her art supplies suffice for a bit, legos are cool, and of course Barney continues to rule, but really, it's Baby and her entourage that bring out the most creative, imaginative Eliana. I wasn't a dolly kinda girl (I pretty much spent most of my childhood playing "Fame" with my sister -- we were all showstoppers and legwarmers and didn't have much time for inanimate objects between rehearsals), so this is all sort of new to me. But I love it! I love seeing how I mother reflected in her, and also getting a little window into her world away from me. At the home daycare she goes to, she's the oldest one and has a bunch of "baby" buddies. She has new songs she comes home with and new little stories about who is sad when and why. Caroline, the lovely caregiver, says Eliana loves to play this little mama role and kind of takes care of the little ones. Or at least talks enough for all of them...



And my how can my girl talk. She has an appropriate response for everything ranging from, "Cool!" to, "Sure, " to, "Actually...." It's still pretty wild when I realize how small she really is because it seems she can articulate just about anything she needs at any time. She was so sweet and inviting with my mom, her ability to express herself making her that much more accessible. We had brunch today at Jeff's folks place and there was something so beautiful about watching these three generations around the table together.

I am tuckered and awed and so thankful for a quiet weekend after another busy week. My bedtime seems to get earlier by the day and that is simply fine. There's only so much hustle a girl can shove into her week and I seem to get all my go-go- go's out from Monday to Friday. If this wild ride is to be sustainable, I've gotta take it easy when the days open. So dusting powder on Baby's bum, "Sounds great!"

in a day

I'm sitting here, exhausted, settled, listening to the steady hum of the dishwasher. I keep contemplating putting music on, but there's something strangely meditative about the noise. Music might make me indecisive, I might move from one thing to the next too quickly. And that's not what I need.

I think back on this full, full Monday and all the bits and pieces that compose a day. The wild conversations I have with Eliana when she replies to my ideas with a, "That sounds great!" (with the same enthusiasm as Tony the Tiger on the Frosted Flakes commercials) or a, "That's a good idea, mom!" She is such a conversationalist, with a memory or song or reference to go with every occasion. "Remember Amy and the pinata? Pinatas are a game. With prizes. And treats. Not scary. Fun!" (This monologue comes up often, as Eliana continues to make peace with the pinata she saw when we were on the coast in August. It was shaped like a little girl. It was decapitated. It was mildly traumatic -- but we're working through it.)

Her vast bank is open and accessible, everything a connection to something else, a continuous piecing together of the puzzle of her life.

I'm attempting to see things this same way. The key to maintaining this nutty schedule of mine is to stay open to each moment. Each question or need from my students or colleagues or husband or daughter. Each request or discomfort I have in my changing body, this new yet familiar state of growing another human being. Every anxiety or ache or frustration or craving, something that has to be met head on, or else they'll all snowball and I'll end up annoyed and hungry, whiny and bitter. It's certainly a challenge. But it seems to be getting easier and easier.

That's not to say there isn't extreme exhaustion or longing. Like when my daughter wakes up at my in-laws again because we've been taking care of PopPop while Nana takes a much deserved break back east and says, "Elie wanna go home." And I can't take her home because we have to race out the door to the daycare because it's Grandparent's Day and I have to be totally on my game, looking my best, shaking hands and sharing accomplishments. My heart screams with frustration when she asks her simple, honest request, all guilt ridden and heavy. But then I explain it to her. "No, Els, today you get to go to Caroline's. You get to see Fiona and Joaquin and paint pictures and play playdoh. And mama has to go to the school to teach the kids and read books." She didn't protest, didn't affirm, just willingly got in her big girl sneakers and hoodie, ready to roll with it.

Like we roll with our busiest season, our family's reentry into the working, scheduled world.

Fall has finally settled into the valley and the days are growing chillier and shorter. We enjoyed one of our last farmer's markets last weekend and my sister-in-law managed to capture my daughter in all her clown around glory. Again, always one to savor the moment and not get too caught up in ridiculous expectations.

How do they continually manage to teach us so much?

back at it

I look at that last dreamy, August post. We were so mellow then. So together. Didn't pay attention to clocks or bells or calendars. But September is almost over. And we've changed the game.

September rocks my world every year. This year it seemed more challenging than most. Lots of unexpected, big events, a packed schedule, visitors and birthdays and concerts and plans. Of course, all those things are good things. The challenge is just having the energy to enjoy them all. Because still, even with the work and motion, Eliana is the top of my to-do list. To enjoy. To behold. To marvel. To laugh. And somedays, it just doesn't feel like we get the time together that we deserve.

Today she broke down when I went to work, and I imagined myself leaving the babysitter and mac and cheese in the kitchen, and whisking her away with me. She'd just hang while I taught the class about haiku and imagery, would just calmly color in the corner, and I wouldn't have to make any choices or feel any guilt. That, of course, is not how it went. I crumbled and put Barney in for her, knowing that her familiar purple friend would ease the pain of our separation. Cuz I feel it too. By Friday we are both done. It's been too many in's and outs, too many drop-offs and pick-ups. We're ready to hunker down, stay in our cozies, and just be.

Thank goodness we have the weekend together.

The challenge for me is what to give up. I love my job during the day. I love my job at night. I love my husband and friends and social life. But my chicken needs me and I want to be here for her. And then there's all the other things. The dishes and crumbs and laundry and maintenance of day to day. That's the part that ends up really wearing me in. Because I have a precious hour with my peach and instead of reading books with her or playing legos, I'm frantically washing the same coffee mug that, I swear, I washed that morning. And her sippy cup smells like yucky old milk again. And there are crumbs on the counter. And as much as I don't want to care about it all, the mere existence of mess seems to be adding to my exhaustion.

Gosh it feels good to get all that angst down. I missed this ol' bloggy buddy. But I've been too overwhelmed and exhausted for extra articulation lately. Maybe I'm accepting my new groove and ready to plunge ahead. I haven't even taken a picture of my child since the last post. How pathetic is that. We've just been too busy being in the thick of it all. Now it's time to embrace the chaos and figure out how to move through it with grace.

three weeks

Three weeks away from this computer, this home, this town and I'm having a hard time figuring it all out again. What I do know is, we had a tremendous journey. The trip encompassed all that I require out of travels: relaxation, comfort, beauty, introspection, balance. And, as I've noticed before after long forays away, I have a hard time capturing the essence of something so big too far after the fact. Instead I'll try for highlights:

• Eliana spending seven blissed out nights in her own tent, sleeping splendidly to the sounds of the sea.

• Long sola walks and sandy yoga sessions.

• The way Eliana "made cakes" or "made soup" with her posse of new friends and trusty bucket and shovel.
  

• Hiking out to the tip of the peninsula, Cape Flattery, and looking at the insane view.

• Snuggling with my little family.
  

• Long, delicious dinner with friends (perhaps most notably the night the fishing crew brought back massive amounts of salmon that was then cooked in foil over the fire).
• Loving the way other people appreciate my kid (Burns calls her the "floor model" -- gotta love that).
• 

• Eliana getting splashed by seals and getting touchy feely with anemones at the aquarium in Seaside (since the seal incident, when asked what she just dreamt about, she replies, "Seals splashin' me!"
  

• The bakery in Manzanita.
• The hot tub in Manzanita.
• Jeff and I leaving Els with her devoted Auntie Kelli and Uncle Jack in Portland so we could walk up to this cool little cafe and have a drink, late night style.
  
• The writing and yoga retreat that Becca and I co-lead in Opal Creek. Absolutely perfect in every way.

• Watching the sunset over Neah Bay.
  

• Reading lots of novels on the beach.
• Exploring the intense beauty of the Pacific Northwest.

• Savoring the wild sense of humor and imagination that is developing in my big girl.

• Getting dirty.
• Feeling silly.

• Being totally relaxed.

On Monday we return to work and get swept up in the current that is Fall. I have so much to hold on to from this journey and hope that I can retrieve the lessons in balance when life gets heavy and fast again.

moving along

We're moving along again. The Kessler August summer fun train leaves tomorrow for twenty days of coastal adventure. I'm antsy to get moving, shake things up, rock it hard before school starts again and the sunny season comes to a close. We've been busy. Lots of cousin love visiting (four boys!) and my beautiful sister, Erin and her hubby, Stan have been here since Saturday. Long, leisurely dinners, a float trip on the Blackfoot, swimming holes and downtown treats, make a fully satiated Missoulian ready to explore new territory. I so love sharing where I live and embracing how to live here right. It also makes me eager to explore a new place with a fresh perspective.


Els Bells continues to explore her two year old self. We've had glorious, hilarious, independent, brilliant moments. And long screaming and crying fits that have kept us from our naps. She kinda lost her noodle in the tent on a little family camp extravaganza, and I had that moment, was that mom -- the one whose kid is keeping everyone else awake, the one who everyone is thinking, well, thank god it's not my kid, poor Gillian, poor Jeff. Woah. I'll remember that night like some of my wilder nights in college, all blurry and wild and can this really be happening. Moving on.

Our little summer in Misosula chapter is closing. These are the last August days with Eliana destroying the house, moving from one activity to the next, chaos in her wake. The last August days where she's still unsteady up the stairs, sorta jammin' instead of racing, speaking phrases instead of sentences. Her hair gets nuttier by the day, Casey likened her to the dad in the Munsters family tonight, old man crazy curls and a bit of curly comb over on top. Love her hair. Love it. Can't wait to see what happens to it with a good dose of sea air.