to Boston and back

Woah. I just realized that the last two posts have been so totally about me. And now I'm about to do it again. Be all about me. But I think really the bigger picture here is, that I'm finally getting it. That to take care of me and be my best, balanced self, is in the end, good for my girl. So here goes.

I went all the way to Boston on two airplanes by myself and back. And didn't even cry.

Now I was a total wreck the week or so prior. I kept meaning to write about it, but couldn't even summon the energy to blog. I felt nauseous and freaky and scared. It wasn't that I was worried about Eliana. I knew that her daddy and nana and pop-pop would be exemplary, loving, fun caretakers. It was (again), all about me. I didn't know how I could get through that much time without holding her little body. Smelling her funny, I-finally-got-teeth breath. Having her pat me on the back when we hug. Hearing her sing her songs and say, "Again, again?" about everything that she loves.

But somehow, once I got on that first plane and started to go deep with one of my colleagues and enjoy an uninterrupted, meaningful conversation for two hours, I kinda got my groove on. Traveling was ridiculously easy without a tyke, we stayed in a luxurious, high-rise hotel, and the school gave us a generous stipend with which we enjoyed many lavish, citified meals. The conference was superb and not only recharged me professionally, it recharged me personally and made me really examine who I am and how much my actions and perceptions help shape my own reality. I've noticed that upon my return, I've been more willing to take risks with other people, even if it means being mildly confrontational. I have a history of being a pretty intense pleaser, so this new way of looking at my world is an exciting challenge.

And why in the world would we ever choose to stop evolving? There is so much growth to do, always room to understand ourselves better in an attempt to "be the change" we want to see.

Part of my new perception is that I can, indeed, leave my daughter and still be a good mama. Even a great mama. I can eat ridiculously delicious Indian food and take notes vigorously. I can read an entire novel on the plane and reflect on what it means to be internationally minded. And when I come home, I can find embracing, snowy mountains, a beautiful husband, a cared for home, and sneak a peak at my gorgeous girl, snuggled and sleepy in her crib. I can scoop her up in the morning, feel her arms around my neck, and smile when her first question for me is, "Daddy?"