five times

Eliana had five accidents yesterday. Not one. Not even two. Five. Three at home, two with her babysitter. This is not at all normal. And I remember, I can't really control much.

Last Sunday I kinda hit a weird rock. Not rock bottom, but close. I felt overwhelmed with things to do to prepare for this baby, but completely incapable of getting anything done. I resent working when it zaps me of the energy I rely on over the weekends to get things accomplished. But I am beginning to see this pattern in myself. After a busy week, all I want to do over the weekend is a whole lot of nothing. I wanna be with Els and Jeff. Wanna toodle doo around town and walk in the hills. But the rest of it -- the linen closet organization, etc -- well, it just doesn't seem to be right.

I think Eliana shared that same exhausted sentiment yesterday. She was done being schlepped, done being her best self, being accommodating. We had a longer morning together than usual and got caught up playing dress up while I attempted to go through a big ol' tub of winter accessories. I suddenly realized that I had no idea what time it was. We raced up from the basement and I declared, that, quick, we had to get dressed, had to get moving, had to go to babysitter and work now! While I raced into my clothes, Eliana took another tactic. She slammed her bedroom door, pissed all over herself and declared, Mom, I peed!

Way to take control of the situation, girlfriend! Cuz now instead of racing out the door, I'm grabbing rags and cleaner, wiping the floor, cleaning your little legs, finding another pair of pants. This would happen four more times throughout the day. And each time she would go into a room by herself, close the door, and promptly pee (and once, yikes, poop).

By the fifth time last night, Jeff and I were pretty damn frustrated. We exchanged many a look of exasperation, and then the reminder, she's only two.

Jeff hit the toddler books last night. This little kiddo is under some stress. Her mama's getting bigger by the day and her world is about to be rocked when baby brother hits the scene. Last weekend she was with a babysitter when Jeff and I had to go to a fundraiser for school. Apparently she was crying herself to sleep (something she never does). When Dessa went in and asked her how she was, she replied, I'm great! I'm happy, just fine. Through her damn tears.

This anecdote just makes my stomach turn. I am so that girl. A big pleaser. Never one to rock the boat, never one to inflict pain. And the torch is passed.

But this morning was a new day. Eliana awoke to both of her parents and realized, today's Saturday! Family day! She had both of us under her spell the entire day. We embraced our games of doctor, re-enacted Jack and the Beanstalk (daddy makes an awesome giant), sang songs into the three way mirrors at Macy's and drew kites and balloons on the paper table cloth at Scotty's over a lovely, we just got paid lunch. No rushing, no cajoling, no stress, no accidents.

Every day is a new day. Every day I love her more. And this baby boy inside me? Every day I love him more too, feel more and more ready to meet him, to watch his little limbs move, smell his sweet little baby breath.

I've got a powerful family. Smart. Tuned-in. Full of passion and expression. I think we're going to be just fine.