last monday

Today is our last Monday. Last Monday of vacation. Last Monday of summer. Last Monday of maternity leave. We checked out Solomon's daycare and as we walked out, I couldn't grasp that I wouldn't be spending the days with him. This time has just slipped away from me. When Soli went down for his afternoon nap, I stayed in the room with him. Held him like we used to back in the early days. He's such a big guy now. Holds his head up and pushes himself around on his belly. So strong. So full of smiles and goodness. My little guy.



I reflect on when I had to go back to work with Eliana. I had her Nana and PopPop here, so I never had to leave her with someone I didn't know. What a huge blessing that was. That's not the case this time around and I have to fill out paperwork explaining his schedules. I don't know his schedules. He doesn't need them. We're always together.


The air turned crisp tonight. Eliana finally declared that she's ready for her big girl bed. She picked out a shirt for the first day of pre-school. She's totally ready for this next step. I wish I shared her enthusiasm, though I know she and I would both go a bit batty if there wasn't a next thing to move into. But her brother is a different story. He is such my guy. Still so little. So needy for me. So perfectly innocent.


We have such an intense symbiotic love. One night on the camping trip I heard him crying from the tent. I raced down from the fire and ripped the tent zippers apart. It was dark and I couldn't find a flashlight. I scooped him up, fell back on my sleeping bag and held him above my head. His little head caught the moonlight coming in from the tent window. Upon recognizing me his tears instantly stopped and his sad little frown turned into a giant, Solomon smile. Just from that recognition. That hold. That light. It felt almost magical. My ability to make him happy. That's one of those moments I know I'll never forget.


So we move forward. And I know we'll find a new routine. I'll fall back into step. He'll find a new groove. But transitions have never been my thing. I need to give myself space to just be here.