get away

photo by nici

I love my friends and I love Montana. The two Love's converged in a dynamo weekend of much needed goofiness. Away from all the daily mayhem, all we had was each other, the Big Sky, some delicious mineral water for soaking, white, lakeside trails and a giant microphone for karoke.

While the deep talks and long soaks are usually par for the course when I go away with my girlfriends, the cowboy bar is not always in the equation. And while the early evening hours found us at home, me with the Tarot, leading us down our deepest paths, wine and snacks and calm, the later hours found us looking for some food. It turns out there aren't a whole lot of options in Ennis, Montana on a Saturday night in the dead of winter. But the spot we found was rockin' and we were ready to roll.

I had a very clear thought when I first walked in and spotted the karoke machine:

If I can get up there and actually sing a song, I am awesome. I will have done something that terrifies me. It will be huge.


And then I gulped and laughed at myself knowing full well that I most likely wouldn't do it. And faster than I can even conceptualize, my song came up, my name was called, and I was on the mike, visions of Donna Summer in Thank God It's Friday, dancing in my head. Kay joined me and together we brought it down. At least that's how I choose to remember it.


It was really, really, really fun.


More songs were sung, more moves busted on the dirty dance floor. We walked arm and arm in the dark, up towards our house, loud and laughing. I have always loved my girlfriends. Ever since I can remember, not a whole lot beats laughing really loudly with your buddies.


The next morning was lazy and stretchy and found me walking alone with my headphones blaring, my camera wanting to capture every piece of sky and horse and cloud.


After another gorgeous hike, we found ourselves back at Norris, soaking in the rich water.

It was hard to leave.


And as much as I love my kids, love every second that I get to spend with my family, I came to a big realization this weekend:

It's okay to have fun without them. It can be done without guilt. There are many parts to the self that need to be satisfied. It's okay that my family can't take care of all my needs. I will be a stronger and warmer and more present mama if I indulge other parts of myself with some regularity.


That said, Eliana's scream of, "Mama!" when I came in the door, her huge grin and giant hug were pretty awesome. And sleepy Soli's look up from his dad's arms, "Mama?" And Jeffy, house clean, children happy, fridge stocked -- it was lovely to be home.

But many times this week I've returned to those moments at the mike. The loud music and louder laughter. The pulse of feeling absolutely free.