new year's eve

It's 9:20 on New Year's Eve.  The children are asleep.  I have my special candles going, some mellow tunes, a glass of wine.  I just made Jeffy play literatti reflection with me.  Then we did new year tarot.  It was awesome.  It was great.  I feel with my whole self that this is exactly where I want to be at this very moment. 

The day after Christmas, life told us to settle down.  It told us to get the kids on antibiotics, get far away from our busy world, our dinner dates with friends, our proximity to school, our in and outs and all arounds.  We drove north and settled into a beauty spot, bigger and more luxurious than the one we actually live in, cable TV and multiple hot tubs, long days with just us to play with.  We bundled up the kids and gave them adventure after snowy adventure.  All sorts of skis, chair lift rides, sleds and many, many promises of hot cocoa.  It wasn't, at all, always easy.  It was far from perfect.  But it was just us, building moments, being moments, breathing moments.  There was one moment when we were all four riding up the chair lift at the little mountain (at The Big Mountain).  I felt such incredible perfection in that moment.  Such closeness.  Soli was snuggled into Jeff.  My arm was holding Elie's knee.  We were a mess of goggles and down, unnatural in our pokey skis and cold breaths.  I thought, this is one of those moments.  This is what I am giving to my children.  This time together.  This cold, mountain air.  The toughness that comes with seasons.  Solomon's absolute, natural ease as he moves on skis for the first time.  Eliana's awesome attitude through coughs and snot.  I'm not always sure how I got here, but I know it's where I am supposed to be.  For now. 

I love how no matter what Pandora station I have on, I always hear Stevie Nick's, "Landslide."  It's such a song for me and I'm pretty certain that the Pandora peeps have a good handle on what I like.  I sit here after our ceremony.  I look at my handsome husband on the sofa.  I think about the cards we drew for our relationship.  He's Friendliness.  I'm Flowering.  Together we are Possibilities.  Our composite energy...get this...We Are The World.  It really couldn't have been more perfect.  Even Jeffy's Friendliness.  Because for all his dicky attitude, he has a tremendous heart.  He always has.  He is growing into his power, into his goodness, into his patience.  He rocked his job these past few months.  Was really amazing.  Everyone saw it.  Felt it.  Me too. 

I love that about relationships that move over a long period of time.  You so know the essence of someone, see them move through it, around it, back to it. 

I am feeling the possibility of all we can be.  I am feeling us take hold of our family.  I am feeling the way our children feel us.  Feel the power that is our unit, our choices, our journeys and foibles and time.  Our challenges.  Our grace.  Our wisdom. 

There were some intense moments in the great outdoors this past week.  Sick Solomon with cold hands in the backcountry of Glacier Park is a force not to be fucked with.  It's loud and screaming and really, really sad.  Eliana as she tries to navigate her role as big sister.  Her disappointments when her bro is freaking, her frustration when he clocks her on the floor out of nowhere, for no reason.  Her absolute delight in every hysterical thing he says.  In the way he loves to run around naked.  Dance.  Talk really, really loud.  In complete and awesome sentences. 

 

 

They play Family.  Soli is always the big brother.  Eliana is always the baby sister.  I am...can you guess it...always the mama. 

I like that.  I like always being the mama.  I like escaping my mamadom.  Heading into the yoga studio, into the wine bar, on to the trail with a girlfriend, into my classroom, my book, my bath.

But I always like coming back.  Those moments that go from complete frustration and chaos to total hilarity.  The unpredictability of it all.  I could just sit here and smile, breathe in, all the beauty that we had during our little escapade.  Eliana on cross-country skis for the first time.  Eliana in the mighty, great, bounty that is Glacier park, scooting ever so gingerly, through the snow, one choppy glide at a time.

 

  I had built it up.  Now this is Mama's favorite winter sport.  Isn't it awesome, Eliana?  Breathe that beautiful air!  Feel it move through your body! So simple!

Admittedly at that goofball moment on my part, I totally got why Eliana is gonna be way more into downhill skiing.  It's fun.  It moves fast.  You can just let go and fly.  And I even had a few moments like that on the Big Mountain, a few, okay...I kinda get it....it's kinda fun....

But just seeing your little ones trying something that you so love?  It's awesome.  And when it all went to hell because Solomon was a cold and cranky little old man?  Well, dang.  And Jeff's face as he hauled their cranky asses on the sled through the snow after he gave me the time I needed to get in my special solo ski.  Dang again.

So when the hell is it the new year already?  It's only 9:50.  I don't think we'll make it.  But gosh am I glad to be here.  Glad for this time.  This little home.  The smell of my sacred candles.  My friend Pandora.  The really expensive bottle of wine that a parent at the school gave Jeff for doing such a great job running the joint.  This is a good place to be.

Happy new year, my sweet and beautiful friends.  I think its you Melis, you mom.  Jody maybe.  Hollace?  Hilary?  I think those are my loyal fans.  Maybe Jeffy's mama? Kelli?  I am so thankful for this public space for reflection.  I am a stronger, more thoughtful person for taking this time to be with my thoughts.  My journal is all images and fragments, bits and pieces.  Thank you for giving me this space to flow.

And happy birthday, beautiful Brandon.  I've spent lots of time with your voice today.  Your words.  Our memories.  Happy birthday Gang-Gang.  I wish I knew you now.  Would love more insight into my past, my DNA.  Appreciate my propensity to over-accessorize from you.   My love of rich foods.  My delight in abundance. 

And to the living, happy birthday, beautiful sister Erin.  You are such a bright light of all that is good and love.  May I tap into more of that as I move into this new year. 

Here's to the age of the feminine, this time of 2013, this time of new.