a quickie

I stepped out of my life for a few blissful, sunny, love-filled days.  It had been too long since I'd seen Mazzy and Hilary worked her magic to fly me home to Lalalandia.  Lalaland that was eighty degrees and sunny and fragrant and lovely.  The blossoms all plump, just like May here.  But it's February.  Golly moses.  It was quick -- forty-eight hours.  Quick and bittersweet and full.  My mom has decided to move into an independent living facility so if all goes according to plan, this was the last time I'll sleep in her condo with her in it.  It felt so sad on my last morning as I went in to kiss her cheek in the dark to imagine we wouldn't have these private, quiet moments any more.  But life moves along and it may be time for her to change the title of her chapter.  She's ready for companions, ready for more physical safety and security.  So we sorted table linens and colored glass vases, all the things in her house so beautiful and just right, our aesthetics so similar like that.  I rolled up keepsakes in my clothes and made the trek back across the rocky mountains, stepping, ever so gently and just a bit more sunkissed, back into my little life.

A few things hit me on this trip.  After ten years of comparing my life in California to my life in Missoula, it became so very clear to me that there is absolutely nothing to compare.  I can't compare.  They are both full of beauty, full of blessings, full of positives, full of people I love, things I love to do.  They are both my home.  And as I look at the gray, bare trees out my window I try not to curse this cold day but instead remember that these are our seasons here.  This is one reality.  California is another.  I need to keep them both pure and lovely in my mind.  With that attitude, I felt so much more capable of fully enjoying myself.  Slowly but surely I'm learning a few things.

And I credit my husband for helping me step into the journey on the right foot.  He said something to me before I left about coming home rested, relaxed.  I think so often I get too buzzed by California, too caught up in the emotional high of the sunshine and all the connections to my past life.  This time I held his words in my heart.  I took long baths and went to bed on time.  I returned more well-rested than I'd been in weeks.  My sweet daughter and her nightmares continue to plague the collective sleep of the household.  Oh how I love her so.

We'll return to California for spring break where I'll continue to try and integrate and appreciate without getting trapped in strange emotional hiccups.  We rented a house with some of our buddies on the coast and will sandwich our beach time with two weekends in Pasadena.  Integration is happening all over the place.


I think I'm getting better with age.