Re-entry is the rocky depths. It's the in your face to-do list. The laundry and toilets and groceries and layers left un-done.
I escaped my real life for a week. I escaped to a tiny island in British Columbia. Tipi camp is magical and twenty of us went deeper then many go in a lifetime. There was a glow to our days, an aura of sorts bringing forth all shades of light, all levels of dark. Asana practice was deep and intense, Karuna's first few adjustments on me better than any I've ever received. I was more in for movement than meditation, but that soon changed. Paul's courage and conviction lead me to places so deep, so beautiful, so painful, expansive, spacious, real. There was uncontrollable crying and unabashed joy. Much of it felt somehow altered, like life amplified.
It's almost hard to write about it now that I'm back. I was so deep within myself that I didn't miss anyone. I was so deep within myself that all I could do was write and move, breath deep and dream wild dreams, messages and symbols shouting to me from all directions.
Now we're on to integration. Yesterday I set up a little alter and woke with asana, tried to sit still, prioritized writing in my journal. But last night anxiety seeped in and all the little, mundane realities of life began to slip into my consciousness, wake me in the night, leave me feeling twitchy and frustrated.
Today at breakfast I focused on the faces of my children. Eliana and Solomon sang along with their Disney Pandora with all the gusto in the world, bright and earnest eyes and full hearts. I realized that it was okay to make that my moment to savor, that the pieces of me have been placed in a giant mixing bowl that is me with my contexts, me with my family. I felt more settled when I forgave myself for not holding the holy reigns on a new practice. I don't have anyone cooking glorious and healthy meals for me at home, don't have an endless supply of tea and fresh fruit. Don't have the simple choices of journal or swim, child's pose or downward dog. So integration is upon us. It fills me up inside just to write it down. Integration in an attempt to hold on to that other piece of grace that is me.