birth story

they say with writing you just have to start, so here goes. this seems to be such a long, eventful, huge type of story, replete with so much raw emotional and physical craziness...no wonder i'm procrastinating getting started. but with little elie growing every day, i know if i don't write now, the memories will continue to morph and change and the time to sit and write will diminish. okay. so the first contractions i felt were on friday the 13th. we were tubing on the river with my two prego buddies, joellen and leslie, and i kept feeling funny, crampy sensations. being in the water was great and they just seemed to pass. the next day my mama and i were busy at the farmer's market and then running around doing all sorts of other pre-baby errands. i wasn't too tuned in to my body and didn't feel anything funky. sunday i had lots of contractions in the morning. i was excited. i felt powerful and strong and ready. i danced around the kitchen to 80's songs and felt fired up about the idea of brining my baby into the world. my doula said to not get too excited, though, that i could be having early labor symptoms for a few weeks. i tried to chill out. BUT...the next morning i woke with more contractions. they started around five and seemed to be coming at ten minute intervals. they were mild, like menstral cramps, and i stayed in bed and just watched the clock. around seven i made myself a poached egg and some toast and tried to be normal. i remember jody teaching us that it was important to eat before the mega-labor began and your stomach didn't want anything anymore. i was proud of myself for remembering this important piece of information, as it would definitely serve me well later.

so....around eight thirty or so jeff, lucy and i headed to greenough park. this was the first "junk show" moment of my labor. jeff was holding his coffee, my nalgene, a little scrap of paper and a pen, a stop watch and lucy's leash. everytime a contraction came, he wrote down the time and the duration, trying to identify them as "hard" or "mild". i would sort of stop walking and double over with my hands on my knees and wait for them to pass. jeff would then frantically try to write the information down, trying not to spill his coffee of let lucy pull him on her leash. at one point on the greenough loop a few power walkers definitley gave us some questionable, "should we see if they need some help" kind of looks. we perseveared and began to journey home. the worst contraction then came, in the alley by my house. i knew that they were gaining in intensity and standing on the black pavement in the early morning, july heat was definitely not helping me deal with them. we decided to head to the birth center.

lucky for us we had a ten thirty appointment that morning, so we wouldn't look like we were jumping the gun too much. we threw our stuff in the car, reminding ourselves that we would probably be home again and that it was okay if we forgot a pillow or the extra massage oil. at this point jeff also decided to stop by our friend bobby's office so that he could help us install our carseat. just to be clear, we are not slackers and had tried to see the carseat specialist at the hospital BUT our very special carseat took forever to arrive and we had to keep pushing back the appointment to have it checked. so this is junk show momement number two. jeff and bobby pulling this fancy peg-perego carseat out of the box and hastily reading directions while i had contractions in the front seat. at one point joellen came out of the office to check in and i remember trying really hard to look like i wasn't really in labor. i think i was afraid of looking like some first time prego ninny who was overreacting. needless to say, i wasn't.

so the car ride to the birth center sucked. it was hot and my contractions were increasing in intensity and i felt strapped down and uncomfortable. i was not meant to labor in a still, seated position. when we arrived at the birth center, i checked in as normal. "hi, i have a ten thirty appointment with jeannie." "okay....just one minute...." I put my head in my hands and must have looked sort of strange because the receptionist then said, "are you okay? you look like you're in labor." i meekly replied, "yeah, i think i am." "oh my, let's get you into a birthing room, okay...come on back, gillian." and it was settled. i was certifiably in labor.

so this is when the story starts to get sort of blurry. jeanne (midwife) and lindsay (nurse) came in to check my blood pressure. it was off the charts high and clearly worried both of them. this was scary for me as well because, A. i have never had high blood pressure, and B. if it didn't go down, we were all going to the hospital. so they told me to relax and try and get calm and they would come back and check again. they returned and it was still high. this was, again, very frustrating to me because i really did feel calm. i guess that shows you the power of the subconscious mind...i thought i was cool as a cucumber but really i was in a prickly panic.

lindsay suggested we light some candles, dim the lights and put on some soothing music so that i could try and lower my blood pressure. we lay on the big, fancy, right out of pottery barn catolog sleigh bed on the super supine red sheets and tried to be mellow. this felt a bit forced but seemed to lower my rates enough to let me stay at the birth center. thank god.

soon enough jody (doula) came and she suggested we go for a walk. so jeff, jody and i walked around the building and chatted. when contractions came i would brace myself on these little posts and they would rub my back and my neck. we had this system worked out pretty well and soon i wouldn't even have to say anything, i just assumed the position and they helped me through the contractions. this sort of non-verbal communication would continue to serve us well.

at some point we went back into the room and i started to really move. i was doing this swaying, hippy, rocking motion that really seemed to help me. a dancer/doula/masseuse friend suggested this hip movement a few weeks earlier and it was fantastic advice. jody says she's never seen a woman dance a baby out of her, but apparently that's what i did. between contractions we continued to laugh and talk and make jokes. at some point my mom and hilary (sister) joined us and we all just sort of hung out. during contractions i would brace myself on the bed and jeff and jody would work their magic, and we'd continue along.

soon enough someone suggested i get in the tub. that's when things really heated up. i had pretty much lost all modesty at that point and eagerly got undressed and got in. the tubs at the birth center are wonderful, big, deep, jet set things that a bathtime beauty like myself would salivate over. i was so happy in that tub. when a contraction came on, i would hoist myself into cat/cow position and push the button for the jets. jeff, jody and hilary would position their hands on me - head, neck and sacrum, respectively, and we'd work through the contraction. we were in the tub for a very long time and the contractions were gaining in intensity. every half hour or so (though that's potentially a fib because at this point i had no sense of time) jeanne would come in and check the baby's heartbeat. they were also still checking my blood pressure. this continued to make me anxious and i really just wanted to be left alone. then tnhe contractions started to hit hard and i entered hard core laborland. i finally started to make noise, saying "ow" and the occassional bad word. it was during one of these last tub contractions that an insane, overpowering, jolt surged through me. i screamed "pushing" and sure enough, i was. jeanne then returned in her scrubs and i knew the party was really rockin.

so she suggested i get out of the tub. she wanted to check me and, there it was, i was nine and 3/4 centimeters and ready to push. the pushes seemed involuntary at first, more like ugly aunties of the hard contractions coming for an unexpected visit. i didn't feel like i had any control over my body at this point. jeanne suggested that i squat and that sounded like the worst idea ever, but she's the boss and i'm a good, compliant chick, so i rolled my heavy ass body out of the bed and squatted. this was not fun. i felt out of balance and out of control and scared. i started saying things like "i can't do this" and "this really hurts" and then i promptly turned my head over my shoulder and said, "you two, OUT!" to my sister and mother. this is my one birth regret. how could i have been so rude to two of my favorite people in the world? i think i felt scared and needed to re-gain some control. i think i was also worried about them seeing me in such a crazy, scary, helpless state. they complied and hurried out of the room.

jeanne then made some comment like, "you can have this baby now, or you can have it in an hour." that got things moving. they put me back on the bed on my back, held my legs apart, and i finally gave a real push. in my mind i was pushing for everything i ever cared about. i was pushing like a warrior/goddess/deamon/monster woman. i was pushing for myself and my baby and all the other women who had pushed before me. i pushed like a mofo. and it actually felt kinda great. one more bad ass push like that and, before i even registered what was happening, i saw tears on jeff's cheak and looked down, and saw my baby girl.

wow. that's an intense story to write. but what a story it is!

after she came out things were still nuts and the midwife had to stitch me up and eliana had to try to nurse and jeff and hil and lindsay had to push with all their might to keep my legs open because at that point, i just didn't want to be open or touched anymore. i wanted to be left alone.

eventually the chaos died down and the stitches were in, my mom and sissy left, and jeff and i were alone with the baby. we didn't name her at first...the original name we thought we had planned on just didn't seem to fit her. she was so little and so fair and came out like such a good, little lady, not the hard core chick of her initial namesake. we rested. we marveled. we chose her name, and eventually, we fell asleep. my baby on my chest in the beautiful red room, on the fancy sleigh bed. the sky was cloudy and calm and i had never been happier.