sick girl

my girl is sick for the first time. her little, round nose is running lots of clear liquid and she's thrashing about in her crib, trying to get to sleep in a way that will help her sinuses drain. i'm out here trying to distract myself, as my back is killing me from hunching over her crib for so long and i'm realizing that there's really nothing else i can do at this point to help her get comfortable. i've nursed her, rocked her, walked her. her room has enough vaporous, eucalyptus steam to pass as a spa in some exotic locale and i'm just waiting for her to settle in. her naps and sleep since she's been sick have been long and wheezy, it's just taking her longer to get herself situated.

i would do anything to make her feel better. it's now been two hours of thrashing. i just went back in, lifted her up, and nursed her until she fell asleep in my arms. after ever-so-gently detaching her from my breast and placing her back in her crib, she seems to be settled. for now.

i can't imagine how i'll handle her vomiting or having chicken pox or a broken bone, or, god forbid, all the others of horrible things that will inevitably cross our path. for now, i'm glad to finally have her settled, glad the mucous is clear, glad she's generally such a good sport because i definitely need some good modeling every now and then. her thrashing in her crib so reminds me of myself when i can't sleep. she was doing these crazy little porpoise rolls trying to get comfortable. she'd lift her head, let out a little cry, flip around on her back, thrash around -- it feels like me on an extra hormonal night, some evil of the day running around in my brain like a hamster on a wheel, keeping me from settling, punishing me in advance for whatever seems to have me all worked up as i flip flop from side to side trying to make it all go away.

i just hope with my little one, it's just a bug. hope that her mind and emotions are filled, only, with all things snowy and white and pure and good. hope that i will be able to keep her from sleepless fits and bad nights.