so big

It's Monday morning. I've already made lunches, cooked eggs, brought the salmon from the freezer to defrost, dressed and fed a wacky toddler (and attempted to tame her 'do ala Gene Wilder), walked the crew to school, checked my mailbox at work, copied spelling lists for homework, hoofed it back home, made a second pot of coffee, wiped down the counters, put away dishes, paid bills that came in July, showered, pumped, accessorized, put a baby to bed and checked my work email from home. I have fifteen minutes before my nanny friend comes to hold down the fort while I teach. These are the mornings that I'm beginning to get used to. Learning to navigate. And while it's all just the nuts and bolts of a busy life, I can't shake this feeling lately that this all is so big.

I typed that first paragraph this morning. Then continued to ramble on and on and on about life and death and moments and love. The dead deer that appeared on our front lawn last week was a big symbol ("We had a dead deer in our yard for two days last week. Elie talked about all the possible ways it died: A bear got it, it was hit by a car, a flamingo got it... Now when we walk by where the deer lay, we talk about where the deer went after the "Deer Picker-Uper got it...ruminations on life and death, of how big it all, is seem to abound in all forms")

The writing was wild and rambling and not really post-able. I couldn't get at a point. So I'm sitting here, Sol's finally asleep and I'm trying to make something out of it all and he wakes again. He's been having a rough run lately. We're thinking teeth. So I break all the good sleep rules and pull him out of his bucket for another nurse, knowing it's not at all about hunger. He falls asleep again on my boob. I'm stuck, one handed, so I decide to check on what Eliana was doing at five months.

I quickly find a post appropriately titled, "Five months!"

Woah. First of all, a big shout out to the blog. What a gift it is to have it all right here. Way to go me.

Next, it seems this, "It's all so big" theme has been coming up quite a bit since the little ones found their way into our world. I have Eliana's every last word, mood, change logged. It was all so big.

And as for little Solomon at five months, do you think his nuances are captured here? A big no. Our collective groove, perhaps. My personal chaos, maybe. Happy Sad and her wild ways, certainly. So let's give a big shout out to the hugeness of Solomon.

First of all he is, indeed, huge. Eliana looks so dainty in those five month pics! Her wiry little frame, the skinny arms and legs. There's a reason Jeff calls Sol, "Big Chunk." He's meaty and heavy, strong and solid. One big mass of love.





He's starting to really recognize his people. I'm probably at the top of the list, quickly followed by his sister. Jeff's pretty high up there too. He's not as social as his sister is, not as eager for everyone's rapt eye. Mainly just mine.

Sometimes I feel like we're secret lovers or something, his sister's watchful, jealous gaze on us at all times, her occasional, "Drop him!"s that directly correlate to her lack of sleep or food consumption. I don't get enough one on one love time with my guy. But I guess that's part of what makes second born's so special. He's always been part of a package deal.



What else about Solomon? He's mellow. He's good natured. He has a perfectly round birth mark on his left calf. He's got a little sparkle in his eyes. He jumps and jumps and jumps. He is beginning to notice everything. We are totally linked.

Thus bringing me back to the big-ness theme. Biggy Smalls. I am the A number one person in these two little creatures lives. There is a reason why I can't really see my friends right now. Why I feel like I'm rolling in my own, choppy sea. Why sometimes, out of nowhere, I feel like I'm gonna burst if I don't just have an hour of space. Of alone time. And then after an hour, I can't stop thinking about them again. After multiple phone calls and a mass text, I found a friend to meet me for a glass of wine on Saturday evening. An hour into our lovely date, I texted Jeff to see how the team was. His reply, "We're all in bed together." I was ready to throw down my duckets and hit it. The same fervor to return that I'd had an hour earlier to leave. Crazy conundrum.

Casey said something perfect and poignant today, though of course I'm too tired now to give any justice to her quote. It was something about how it all keeps getting bigger as we get older. About how much more our parents really do know. I was so excited because what she articulated was the missing thesis of the rambling post from this morning. She provided the bow and I was gonna be able to wrap this all up, all neat and tidy.

But perhaps that's the point. There is no bow. It's too big to wrap up. It just keeps going, birth and death, Mondays and ramblings. Unexpected walks with best friends on a beautiful, yellow leaved fall day, two sleeping babies strapped to our chests, getting each other so completely. Babies that wake up again and again. Bags under the eyes. Spring in the steps. A moment of harmony turned to time out, turned back to laughter at the dinner table. Rambling posts that can't be tied up. A cramp in my foot from too much movement. A jumping out of my skin because all I want to do is move.