Sometimes I feel like I'm making way too big a deal about this weaning thing. I know I'm absurdly sentimental. That sentiment seems compounded by hormonal upheaval. And the exhaustion of being out every night to avoid bedtime.
Don't get me wrong. I'm having a blast. Last night I drank way too much wine and said way too much. Loose lips got the best of me. I felt raw and real and in a space of total comfort and acceptance. My friends are truly tremendous. I can hardly handle what a lucky girl I am.
But then Elie squawked in the night and I was up, the heaviness of red wine in my head, the pull on my chest as I thought about going in there and helping her back to sleep. I feel a bit like a junkie. Like I just can't get enough of her. Somehow having her on the boob, even once a day, took the edge off. Now I feel like I never see her, that all I do is work and play, that I can't take the time to just hold her like I used to.
Like she can't be a baby anymore with me.
Last night after I showered, I checked to see if I still had milk. It was pretty surreal because I haven't leaked or squirted or oozed in months. It kinda felt like I've been just giving her my empty breast because they seem so small and listless these days. But good god, they are still flowing. I was thoroughly impressed by my body's ability to still shoot that super stuff out in all kinds of directions. It was thick and white and full of goodness.
What a waste.
It dripped down my belly and I just sort of stared at it for a while. I felt kinda like a freak then and even more so now for writing about it. But it was poignant. It was major.
Now I sit here at this computer thinking about how badly I want to go in and just watch her sleep. Just watch her in her baby-ness and vulnerability.
Time is moving too fast and I'm not ready to let this go.
2 comments:
tonight, as i was nursing avi to bed, i thought about this transition for you guys and was reminded of an earlier transition that you handled beautifully--when she moved from your bed to her big girl crib. you will move through this one just as well, though maybe it seems a bit harder? much love to you, m.
Melissa is so right. You are brilliant at transition. And Elie is super adaptable. I learn so much from you as you experience mamahood six months ahead of me. Who needs Dr. Sears?
Also, I know what you are referencing with those loose lips of yours and please don't sweat it. I am so so grateful for the information. And can't wait to see you again tonight!
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