fast forward

i continue to revel in every moment with my baby. my new thing is just staring. i stare at her while she sleeps, watching her little lips mock sucking as she dreams, blissfully, of milk. i watch her when she wakes, watch her as her face contorts into waking mode, her eyes slowly flickering until they finally open, but just halfway like two perfect crescent moons. then we stare at each other, i talk to her, she grunts and gurgles and smiles back, always agreeable and absolutely content. the only upsetting thing about all this love is that it is starting to move too quickly. you know when you watch a movie on fast forward? you can get the gist of it, but all the images just run together? that's how this feels sometimes. i look at the calendar and can't believe that it's almost october. someone asked me how old she was the other day. nine weeks, i replied. nine weeks! does that mean that she is going to be double digit week numbers soon? i don't even want to call her two months because that just sounds too old. i think i'll be calling her "weeks" forever. god forbid i ever have to adjust to "years". and the time of day! yesterday we got back in the car after enjoying an afternoon, family hike up on jumbo saddle. the day was perfect and the views were crystal clear and glowing. the sun was still bright and high, and i still felt energized and active. when we got in the car the clock read 6:58. it was almost seven o'clock! i swear i thought it was four thirty. neither jeff nor i wear watches, so the whole time thing is always a little bit off with us, but i was way, way off in my little hormone induced, stay at home mama brain.

it scares me though. all these brilliant images, just bleeding together like another sunset, another night of rocking and singing, another morning of dosing and feeding, smiling and snuggling. i don't want her to grow. she is already looking so big this week. i don't know if it is because i have to put her in more clothing now that it's getting chilly, but she looks really round and almost bulky sometimes. she's such a big girl the way she goes around in her snazzy little knit cap and pink hoodie. i feel like i am finally getting to really know her personality. she is intense. she loves hard. when she's unhappy she has no qualms letting everyone know. then she's at peace again and it's like the whole ordeal never happened. right now she's sleeping again in her little bed and i feel so far away from her sitting down the hall, typing on the computer. i don't know why i'm here, don't know why i don't just lie next to her again and stare.

the other morning we got into the sleeping, nursing, snuggling cycle. from about seven o'clock on, eliana would nurse for about fifteen minutes, we'd then stare at each other, her lying beautifully in my arms, where we would then promptly manage to fall asleep again. this continued for about four cycles, every hour, on the hour. at about ten forty five, when we were sleeping yet again, i heard someone in my kitchen (we don't lock our doors). my friend bobby said, "gil, are you here?" i called out fr0m the bedroom. there i was, shirtless, though wrapped in a sheet, my beautiful girl under my arm. "uh, hey bob, yeah, we're still in bed...um....we don't usually do this, we are just...um....taking it easy this morning." he laughed. "enjoy it, gil, i'm just borrowing something from jeff." and he was gone.

why do i feel like it's not okay to hang out and doze lazily with my daughter. with life on fast forward and all, i know these days will not last for long. october is around the corner and i go back to work in november. this time is slipping from me. i have to savor every moment, sleep and snuggle and nurse and stare as much as i possibly can.