last night my sister said that whenever people ask about me or the baby, she sends them to this blog. she continued to say that then people comment back to her saying things like, wow, she makes it look so easy, she looks like she's having so much fun. etc., etc. i am very honest with my writing and i don't try to paint a rosy picture of motherhood. and i am having fun. and in some ways, if you let go of everything you thought was important before having a baby, it is easy. but in that case, all you can really do in a day is nurse, change diapers, rock, sing and perhaps throw the baby in the sling for a little walk. it's really about finding balance and redistributing priorities. take yesterday. yesterday didn't feel easy. now mind you, eliana was easy. she was a charm. a peach. a delight. and daddy was home for the day, ready to revel in all her glory and hang tough. so they did. and while they played, mommy caught up on a bazillion phone calls while chopping onions, peeling carrots, and preparing the goods for a deer roast dinner in the crock pot, then made eggs and coffee, all, mind you, while talking on the phone. i also moved exceptionally swiftly and with unusual focus. mommy then assessed the horror that was her closet and quickly hung up all the clothes that had managed to end up on the floor that week. upon realizing that it was suddenly cold and rainy out, she ran to the basement to find her winter gear and get that organized in the closet as well. all of this intermittently interrupted by nursing nancy who needed to eat again. at which point i sat still and obsess over all the things i have to get done that can't get done while i'm feeding her. jeff wanted to hang with his folks for a while and watch sports, so i pumped a bottle (another hour) and decided i'd leave elie with them so i could get more done. but what would i do? would i run to the market, or better yet, costco so that i wouldn't have to grocery shop during the week? or i could go to the mall to return some presents elie received so that i could exchange them for some warm clothes, of which she has few. or i could vacuum the floor that was destroyed by all the babies and mama's that were at my house for lunch on friday. or i could do yoga and sit-ups in an attempt to shrink my fleshy, new mama belly. or i could try to do it all. i raced upstairs and did eight sun salutations, holding plank in an attempt to build back up my arm muscles. then it was stomach crunches and push ups, followed by a few quick stretches. it's amazing how even stretching takes a back seat when you are holding a baby all the time. then i ran out the door heading for the market. in a stupid, rash decision, i argued with my masochistic self that costco would be the best place to go. due to our financial situation, with me not working and all, wouldn't it be excessive to go to the good food store and buy a small bag of organic coffee for ten bucks when i could get like a million pounds of kirkland brand coffee for the same price? next thing i know i'm in the costco parking lot on a rainy sunday. lots of suvs. lots of blond children. a few horrifying mullets. why the hell am i here again? oh right. i don't have the baby and i'm a full time mom and this kind of thing is really hard to do when i'm home with her during the week.... so i decided that i could "work out" in costco and that would be another thing that i could accomplish. another thing to check off the list. so i cruised around like a crazy speed walker, pumping my arms and grabbing things quickly and without much thought. i then ended up at the checkout without a few big staples that i had meant to grab. i asked the big man in line in front of me to hold my spot and sprinted back around the store to grab some other loot. of course by the time i returned, the man was gone and the checker was looking at my full cart wondering where the owner was. i gave her this sort of pathetic, apologetic face. i wanted to explain to her that i was shopping without my baby. that at any minute she could wake up and start screaming, wondering where her mom was. that i could scar her forever due to my ridiculous choice of going to costco on a sunday afternoon. i wanted to tell her i felt light, almost naked, walking around the store without the baby securely attached in her sling across my chest. i wanted to tell her how much i could get done in an extremely short time span, how efficient and fabulous and selfless i was to be shopping at this very moment. while all these thoughts ran through my hormonal and cluttered brain, she was patiently waiting for me to produce my costco card so that she could ring up my groceries. i hadn't even noticed her. i then made my way home. when i called jeff from the car asking how elie was she said she was sleeping soundly in her pouch on him, to take my time. it was a bit late for that. i thought of all the other heinous errands i could do out there in americana box store hell and decided to stop punishing myself. i ran home, unpacked the car, and then headed back up the hill to grandpa and nana's abode. right as i walked in the door i heard her little whimpery, hungry cry. jeff was about to warm the bottle. i had made it just in time to do the one job that is really important to me right now.
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