immunizations

little bucket had her two month appointment yesterday. two months old means the first round of vaccinations. with daddy back at work, mama was on this one alone. of course, this being the lovely and ever so crunchy small town of missoula, montana, immunizations are a pretty hot topic. during our ten week birth class, they came up all the time -- which ones to do, which ones are unnecessary, what links there have been between vaccines and autism, how they can interfere with the natural rhythms of the child, yadda yadda. at that point, i wasn't really listening to a whole heck of a lot about stuff that came after the baby was born. i was still pretty much caught up only in the birth, the big event. what came after that was just too much information to take in at that point. well, of course on monday night when i was frantically googling all the information i could want and more on vaccines, i wish i had listened a bit better. i think there really is too much info out there these days. especially on this topic. so i let jeff spend some time reading. it came down to not wanting her to have anything containing mercury, and holding off on hepatitis b because, seeing as how she is not sexually active and won't be having a blood transfusion, it seemed a bit over the top.

but then i find myself alone with my very lovely and very intelligent pediatrician. because this is a small town, of course i just happened to have taught her son how to read and have a relationship with her outside of the doctor's office. i trust her very much, both as a mother and as a physician. so she broke it down and basically said that there is no medical evidence proving any ill claims about any vaccines. she said the hep b was all part of a larger shot and if i did them all together, it would cut down on the number of injections that belly bucket would need to have. so i swallowed my earthy concerns and went for it. of course, that's when my doctor friend told me she would be sending the nurses back in to do the dirty work because, of course, she "didn't want to be the one to make eliana cry!"

so two nurses came in and told me to hold elie's hands down. they came at either leg with a syringe and little bucket started bawling. she squished up her sweet face and made the looked, momentarily, like a very,very angry old man. within seconds it was over and within a few more, she had finished crying. i held her tightly, trying to contain my own tears in our embrace. of course i didn't fool anybody and one of the nurses passed me a few kleenex. i felt terrible, drained, frustrated, spent. eliana the brave was so resilient, but i just couldn't shake the ugly, gray, vaccine cloud hanging over me.

bucket was pretty out of it for the rest of the day. between the trauma, the tylenol and the side effects, she just wasn't her usual, bright eyed self. and, as luck would have it, we just happened to have concert tickets that night. oh yes, mom doesn't make it easy for the bucket. mom's always pushing the envelope, scheduling shots and loud music all into one action packed day! actually jeff's sister had bought all of us tickets to hear ladysmith black mambazo play at the university theatre and i was really quite looking forward to the event. but bucket, in her post doctor gruff, was just not so into it. i spent the first half of the show getting in and out of my seat, feeling horrible for the people behind me, feeling like that person in the theatre who i usually hate, the person i see try to manage her wiggly and annoying small child that makes me think to myself, "who in god's name brings a child to the theatre?" now that person is me!

luckily i made friends with the ushers who let me nurse bucket in their special usher booth, where i could still here the music. then she mellowed and we stood at the back of the theatre and rocked to the african harmonies. i loved watching their synchronized moves, remembered my late career as an african dancer, laughed at how far i've traveled since i thought mastering fancy kicks or subtle hand movements was a priority.