dia de los muertos

mama got her groove on at the dia de los mertos celebration on friday night. missoula is a festival town. we love revalry and any excuse to dress up, get nuts and disfruta la vida! the day of the dead is one of missoulas best, replete with a wacky parade, lots of live music and dancing. when my friend celeste asked me to perform, i initially declined. the pieces we were going to perform she and i choreographed last fall, pre-preggars, and when i was in tip top shape. i was feeling ripped and diva-like back then, not the sleep schedule obsessed, soft bellied, super serious mama i am today. luckily i was in cali at the time i was contemplating the descision. my uber dancing sister said something to me like, "don't you want eliana to have that cool mom? that mom who dances?" anf for her alone, i did it. i do want to be that mom. i want to be beautiful and soulful, creative and atheletic, charismatic and alarming.

while i wasn't too nervous about remembering my moves, i was wondering if my mommy body would cooperate. half an hour before the show, i was squirting breast milk all over celeste's studio, frantically trying to make eliana's little belly replete and satisfied before the performance while celeste slapped thick, festive make-up on my face. i was worried i would freak elie out, but she seemed to be enjoying the pre-show chaos, even as the red and gold glitter from my eyes and costume rubbed off on her precious skin. i thought about circus families, babies who are born to perform and felt an excited rush for this new moment we were sharing together.

as i waited in the wings, i could see jeff jiggling eliana in the back of the tiny theatre. it was time for my first number the piece starts with me alone, on my knees, center stage. the dance pays honor to yemenja, the brazilian orixa of the oceans, the mother of all orixas, and the absolute most reverant woman figure in my funky, spiritual life. i was feeling it. i felt beautiful and strong and radiant. as i stood to prepare for my first move, i felt the rush of the performance moving through me, i felt strong and compelling and powerful. i kicked my leg high and rotated towards the back, throwing my weight to the right for my preparation when, thud, i landed on the floor. holy shit. i hit the deck. down. fallen. for a second i wasn't sure if i was okay. maybe someone was about to rush to help me and i had sprained something. i didn't really know. i say celeste turn to help me up and within another second, i was back up, right back at my place in the music, giving the dance my all. so perhaps i slipped on the stupid carpet we were performing on. perhaps my muscles aren't what they used to be. or, perhaps i was distracted by my baby bucket in the back, not focusing on the moment but instead on the grander relevance of my time on the tiny stage. whatever it was, it passed. i danced my groovy little heart out that night and still took my bow with pride. you've gotta fall when you give it your all. and little eliana will have an honest, real, tough mama to model for her the way to get back in the game with a smile, not letting too much ego bring you down.