energies

so, just re-reading yesterdays post, so sweet and optimistic but not really the tone for today. today i'm exhausted. the energy of the elementary school - the kids, the bells, the messy desks and disheveled nature inherent in this age of child - it's a little much for the nursing mama. i'm grooving on the quiet creak of the rocker, the mellow, folky chick tunes of our teeny, pink nursery radio, the soft sound of sucking, hiccups, coos. racing home at lunch to nurse eliana and then running back up the street to complete my...gulp...lunchroom duty, sort of put me over the edge. rushing her through her feeding, hurling her at her grandma while snarfing an apple and putting my coat on as i rushed out the door, the cool fall air hitting my cheeks reminding me that yes, indeed, the time is now, you are no longer in timeless wonderland but this is it, money making, job land, land that keeps the mortgage paid and organic fruit in the fridge, keeps the house warm and gas in the car - no avoiding this land, no more long days with mamas in the tribe, everyone eating and nursing and gabbing, rocking and laughing and being in that same, honest and ultra real universe, not so much anymore, not right now.

the acoustics in the gym are awful and entering that cacophonous room full of chomping children was a bit much. immediately i was sticking my thumb nail into oranges to help peel, twisting the too tight lids off of thermoses, passing out bathroom passes and telling kids to put their trash in the bin. it was like walking into my past. walking into a scene that has felt so familiar and second nature for years. now it suddenly felt like i just didn't fit. like i was watching my own, surreal dream. my shirt was wet with milk and i nonchalantly tried to adjust the pad in my bra. i was almost happy for that reminder of what now feels like my real life. i realized that no one knew that this was strange for me, that i was a normal, familiar player in that scene for the other folks in the room. the have not had an interruption in their continuum. i am their teacher. i belong and have not been changed.

i continued my roll play - lined the kids up quietly, made sure they walked single file, and as we headed up the stairs, wiped my eyes with my sleeve, took a deep breath, and entered the classroom.