these week has been a tough one for a variety of reasons, but they seem to all come back to the same difficulty - transition. i am transitioning to being away from eliana and it's one of the hardest things i've ever done. for three and a half months i have been able to be her everything. we've done exceptionally well together, bonding from the start. she is everything i could have ever dreamed for in a baby and our relationship is so harmonious and in sync. absolutely textbook (we really do have the perfect "dr.sears" attachment thang down). and here we are at this inevitable crossroads. i have to return to work. before having her, i never entertained the idea of not returning to work. not only is it not feasable financially, it was never something that i thought really interested me. i've been working full time since the day i graduated college. i love my job, love being out in the world, being a professional woman, making my little mark for the greater good. but then i had a baby. and i found myself in this wonderworld of sleeping and nursing and walking. of cooing and burping and gently sweeping spit of a perfect, little chin. of moving slowly and carefully. of always being fully engaged and focused. of observing more closely than ever before. of my heart, ready to burst, replete and full at all times. of long gazes in each others eyes, of smiling back and forth and back again, snuggling in bed, feeling our chests rise and fall together as we walk through the hills and trees, taking it all in together.
but on monday, those days will take a new shape. eliana is out of her third trimester. she has entered a new phase. she is ready to roll and reach and make connections. she is ready to understand cause and effect. she has the security and attachment and trust in the world that she needs to have new successes. and i have to embrace my pre-mom self and let her go. for the past few days, just thinking about having to leave her could bring tears to my eyes. i couldn't focus on anything but this impending change. i may sound dramatic, but it really has taken hold of me in this very powerful way. two nights ago i literally was up all night watching her, trying to make peace in my brain, but never being able to fully leave my head and enter the world of sleep. it was a terrible, powerful night for me. as i watched the hours pass, finally greeting six and then seven when jeff's alarm went off, i attempted to work through all the different parts of this internal struggle. the positive side of me realizes that this is an opportunity for growth for both of us. that i can embrace more parts of myself and bring a more loving, more replete, more grounded self into the classroom and that eliana can gain independence through creating a beautiful, loving relationship with her grandparents. and, of course, how tremendously grateful am i that i don't have to bring her to a stranger, that she is only going to be a few miles up the road in the loving and attentive arms of jeff's folks? but it is all so layered and intense and strong. as i watch her stir from sleep on our bed right now, i try to commit this moment to memory, her little bundled self squirming, her legs flapping up and down like the fin on some water mammal, her head moving back and forth on the soft green blanket beneath her. in a few moments her eyes will open and i will be there to welcome her to this new day. and i turn in my gratitude card, that i have this moment with her, that i will still be here each morning when she wakes, that i will continue to have many such precious moments with my girl.
No comments:
Post a Comment