climate control

eliana continues to enjoy her southern california stay all the while fires rage through the southland, the late october temperatures reached 98 degrees today here in pasadena, and everything feels a little eerie and armageddon like to mommy. it's interesting. some habits, some rituals, were clearly established through our life in montana. take the whole, walking the baby to sleep thing. i love walking where i live. there's wildlife. and weather patterns. it's always changing. bringing baby on a walk is a way for mommy to ensure that she enjoys her walk. today i was faced with a bit of the opposite. baby was so badly needing to nap and just wouldn't have staying inside - again. so mommy begrudgingly loaded baby up multiple times to walk the busy, busy intersections of south lake and california boulevard. we inhaled the exhaust. we dodged the sprinklers. we tried to smile at people and waited for them to smile back. i felt the ache in my back from eliana's new, heavier self. "why the hell are we walking again?" mommy wondered. "oh right...i did this to myself!"

but really, i had to work through a lot of anxiety this afternoon. when i left southern california five years ago, i left lots of phobias as well. trafficphobia. earthquakephobia. life is chaotic and out of controlphobia. all of those seem to be resurfacing as i return with my very precious, very helpless, very pure, very porcelain three month old daughter. yet she remains the same. she loves to nurse. she loves to walk. she sleeps well at night. she laughs at my songs. her sweet, climate controlled southern california existence is all roses because mom knows how to play by her rules. as i try to fall to sleep on my own tonight, i think i'll try to employ some of that bliss and trust in all that is good and true. hopefully i can sleep as well as she does.