working women today

my sister and i used to have a little inside joke about "working women today" when we would walk around new york city in our running shoes, but still try and pull off some sort of fashion friendly, new york savvy, outfit on top. the image of the nine to five worker, getting off work and changing into her walking shoes, is very much an image of growing up in the early eighties. now this nannied for many wagons and the kids schedule and say, "see ya in eight hours." i remember feeding a four month old solid food for the first time when i was a mere college student, his mama off doing her job while i tried to working woman today isn't too concerned about shoes, but instead, how to keep the whole gig in balance. i feel like last week it really hit me. i am officially BACK at work. back with the meetings and report cards and lesson plans. back with nights spent awake in bed trying to figure out how to reach one child, how to inspire another out of lethargy. how to challenge A without leaving B in the dust. my work life has finally moved back into the forefront of my muddled, scattered, alert mommy brain and i'm not sure how to feel about it. i know all of my thoughts and concerns and plans are an important part of my job. i just don't like how eliana takes the backseat. like last week when i was writing report cards. i would just put her in her jumper and let her jump away and pretend to be talking to her, when really i was reading over my narrative reports aloud to be sure they was clear and accurate. thank god she is so easy going. one night i swear i spent six solid hours on reports - again, thank god she takes good, long naps in her crib and enjoys her exersaucer, or i don't know what i would have done. i'm wondering how other women have done it. i know so many women who go back to work full time when their babies are six weeks old, and return to much more challenging, intense careers than my own. i'vefamiles over the years and watched women leave me the keys to their volvofinagle the plastic padded spoon into this little guys toothless mouth. i remember wondering how i had the privilege of feeding him first, how i ended up in that position and when i would be doing the same thing with my own child. how much life i would lead between "playing mommy" and "being mommy."

well, i'm happy to report that there was a great deal of "life" between the two. lots of travel, lots of fun, lots of adventure and, thankfully, lots of years logged into this teaching gig. i've been at this eleven years! i don't know how i would have returned to this job if it were earlier in my career. i didn't have space in my brain or my heart to think about a whole lot else. now the challenge is trying to figure out how to share the space of my brain and my heart, how to not get so caught up "talking" to eliana (we do this new grunting thing back and forth - she goes "eh" and then i look back at her and reply "eh" and then she stares back and says "eh" and we go back and forth about ten times until she just busts up laughing and i do too because we really are communicating and we are so madly in love and it's just so damn fun and how could i have room in my heart for anything else?) that i don't make it out the door in time for a meeting or recess duty. lots of yoga helps. so does walking in the mountains. and writing this all down.

so now that i've had my coffee and processing time, it's time to get dressed and put myself together before sleeping beauty gets up. that way i can give her my full self for that precious time before i have to leave her again and step back into my other world.