one month

My beauteous little boy was born four weeks ago today. I guess he'll be officially one month on the third, but I count in weeks, the rhythm of Monday to Monday, the pattern of our days. Four weeks ago at this time I was rolling through contractions in my bathtub wondering ever so slightly if this could actually be it. It was all so simple then. Again I watch myself age. I see a picture of myself before Eliana was born and I look so young. So free. Then I think about four weeks ago when we were just a house of three. Of how I had two hands free most of the time (as opposed to the precarious typing I'm doing, my little man resting in the crook of my arm while I type, his funny, nasal-y snores rhythmic beneath me). Of Eliana and how easy she seemed then. Before the no's and mine's and first's inhabited her vocabulary.


But for every new gray hair, for every new line on my face, there is a new opening in my heart. A new expansion. Because I never knew I could love so much. I never knew that loving so much could be this challenging. I never knew that my heart could almost break so many times during one day. Break for the girl with her wild curls and the reorganization of her identity. How she's growing up in so many ways, her life in all it's vibrant, new complexity.


Break for this chunk of love in my arms. His dreamy sleeps and sweet sounds. The way he looks at me with his pure, wise eyes. The way we are still so close to one, his heavy sleep on my chest, the way he calms in my arms.


Break for my husband. How he wants nothing more than our happiness. The way he takes care of my girl, celebrates our boy. The way our wild, messy life makes us laugh.


Break for my family far away. How I want to share all of this with them. How time together makes me miss them exponentially more.


My sister was here for four days. My first real love. My oldest, closest friend. We were always closer to one person than two. I could watch her hold my baby forever. Watch her laugh with Happy Sad. Drink in the way we laugh together and understand each other so completely. We will join her again soon to celebrate all the new events in her shining life. She makes me feel brave and capable and I'll do what I can to keep us together, keep our lives joined.

It will never be easy being so far from family. Yet as my roots sink deeper into this earth, I can't imagine living anywhere else. The challenge is to keep everyone close to me, regardless of the miles.