illness and baby

tonight i'm done. the only way for me to take this "time to myself" while jeff jostles upset bucket (of the fussy persuasion) is for me to write on this silly blog. i've been super sick for the past two days with yuckies coming out from both sides. the little lady did fine yesterday and slept a ton to compensate for mama's hard time. this morning i thought i was feeling a bit better and tried to spent an hour at work while elie stayed with her grandparents and auntie. of course i learned at work that all the other teachers on my floor were sick, including one potential case of the chicken pox. not news to put a new mother's heart at ease. now she's screaming and has been awake since i got home at two. it's almost eight thirty, way, way too long for little bucket to be up. she's nursed for three different hour long stints and i always think she'll come off the breast and sleep. but then she breaks into the hiccups and wakes herself up and we're back to square one, her little blue eyes alert and piercing. i feel so empty, haven't put much in my system for 48 hours, yet so worried and so, generally, marginal. it's a new sensation for me. to not really care that i'm sick, but to then wash my hands raw to try and keep the germs from my baby. i absolutely abhor vomiting (i'm not saying that anyone likes it, i'm just saying that to me, it's one of the worst things in the world), yet the other night when i was retching, i wasn't feeling sorry for myself, i was immediately projecting into the future, worst case scenarios. people keep telling me that my breast milk has given her wonderful antibodies and this that and the other thing and i guess i'll try to hold on to that. and she is now quiet, thank the good lord, her daddy jiggling her on his knee and patting her gently on her back in the dark living room. thank god i'm not doing this alone.