remembering

this morning we had our six week check up at the birth center. elie was less than thrilled to wake up in the car seat on the fifteen minute drive to the place of her birth. i kept telling her that this was a very special visit to the place where so many people worked together to bring her into the light. she continued to scream in her carseat, not impressed by my story. so upon entering the center and upon sharon, the receptionist, seeing how upset she was, we were sent back into the birth room so that i could nurse her. oh to be back in that room! it was the same one where i spent that long monday working, dancing, laughing, screaming, cussing, crying, loving, sleeping, finally, with my baby in my arms. she eventually settled on to my breast and i was able to take it all in. the sleigh bed with the fancy red sheets. the beautiful black and white photo of a newborn baby. the tub (ah the tub!), the mantel and flatscreen t.v. (do people ever watch t.v. while in labor??), the big, fat scented candles, the fancy cd player. the room seemed so small, but in my memories it's enormous, a hotel suite, a small conference center. when jeanie came in to meet with us, i was flooded with emotion. here is the woman who brought my baby into the world! what a tremendous job she has. so we talked about how everything was going and i bragged about eliana and her fabulous sleep cycle and good nature, and jeannie checked me out and gave me the thumbs up for repairs ("it looks like you never even had a baby come out of there!") and we finally, sadly, said our goodbyes. after all those appointments, weekly at the end, and all those hours of labor, we've been released, on our own, into the world. i feel so independent suddenly, like no one is watching over me and i, somehow, should know what to do.